Before I became ill and later diagnosed with schizophrenia, I had had suicidal thoughts. I knew these thoughts were unusual, and therefore I blocked them out, especially at night-time. I had sleep disturbances for as long as I can remember. I know that I suffered with seasonal affective disorder (SAD), as my father had told me, and he was a doctor. Even as I am writing this blog, I have a SAD light on, right next to me.
My suicidal thoughts have significantly gone away, since I started to take Olanzapine in 2001, to the present day. I wonder about all sorts of medical things that never go away, like if I will die from cancer, or if I will get a weird disease, and even a very persistent on which is will I have disabled children? My girlfriend says it’s silly, but everyday without fail I will have another medial issue to worry about.
At the moment I am so unable to sleep properly; the first time in ages where I do not know what to do? I have changed my diet as I overdid it at christmas, and I have eaten lots of fruit and drunk lots of water.
As I have a sport science degree, I know about the physiology of the body. Thus I know there is a scientific answer to my sleep disturbance, and that lack of sleep may lead to suicidal thoughts. I am struck by how lonely it is to be in need of medical help, but not knowing if I will receive correct advice, or good feedback from Dr’s and nurses. I walked into a pharmacy today to ask for some advice about a skin infection, and the woman at the counter ignored me and kept on looking through her work. Not one person looked interested in helping me, so I walked out, even though I needed help. I think this is how most people feel, when they are in real need, people seem to ignore us, or don’t want our troubles.
The ‘feeling’ I get at night recently is like forgetting ones keys but it’s more horrid than that, its like forgetting one’s personality or ability to feel happiness. I am 33 this year, and the fact I am getting older bothers me a lot. I know that it’s kinda funny growing old; I still look alright, even if I say so myself, but I am conscious that schizophrenia sufferers have low life expectancy compared with the ‘normal’ population. I am fit and healthy apart from my minor skin infection but my mind, and possibly all mind’s with mental illness play tricks on us!
I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, but I don’t know how to phrase my problem. I have just written this blog, but it will take me an hour or so tomorrow to understand, what I don’t understand. Even though I am in recovery and I am not in immediate danger, I feel small and vulnerable.
I know others feel the same, but also I know this feeling will pass, and in a week I have much to look forward to. I am exhibiting art in an exhibition, so if you are reading this wish me luck, and seek advice online, or ring an emergency number if you feel worse than me. I will surf the net for answers now, another bad effect from sleep disturbance.