I am not writing a scientific blog, this time I’m writing about myself. I want to express the feeling and observation of being in a temporally lower state of consciousness (LSC), not psychosis, not lower intelligence, not floating.
The lower one goes, it seems that at some point people will mock and bully. This blog will make certain people think this a whining or silly blog, but the lower state of consciousness is not a problem for them psychologically. I tend to keep my focus on the things I want to focus on, it’s how I cope with schizophrenia, and helps with the paranoia. The only problem is when other people, for whatever reason want my attention, some people will feel rejected, because they need to be acknowledged like for instance a shop manager, or a policeman. The hierarchy of society is not adhered to in schizophrenia or asperges. And I believe it is this psychological phenomenon, not recognising social status, or hierarchy that is the reason some people will mock or bully.
I am not usually aware of social status or hierarchy, I even try to swim against its tide automatically, it appears to be an instinct I can’t control; a part of my character. I am a liberal person, and I can’t stand the social etiquette, or the order of those who think they have more status like gang members. I do forget that as an Anglo-Indian some people will look down upon me, because I am not the majority ethic race in the UK. I do understand this ‘social rule book’ when I am in a higher state but that’s just it I can’t control my (LCS).
I recognise that some people like a mayor of a city or the president is more important than little old me. But when I am in a certain lower state like today, I am always mocked by at least one or two people in the street. I don’t look funny, I don’t smell or anything, sometimes my focus is on one thing and others, have to mock me in some way. I know there are so many reasons for being bullied or victimised, but what if my schizophrenia is such that others feel embarrassed or offended by it, and so called ‘alpha males’ want to express this attitude towards me, sensing my apparent ‘weakness’. What then for the battle against stigma?
The majority of the time nobody suspects I am a schizophrenic, I simply am as I overhear, the “funny one” or, “there’s something not quite right about him”. When I am being targeted I usually use a ‘defence mechanism’ to ignore it, or find my sense of humour, but often on a night out, I have to stand up for myself and either say something back or writing letters of complaint to clubs, shops and businesses. I don’t really know why my awareness is low; it may be because I have low confidence, or be from stress, or that I don’t objectify enough.
I have to be as a human, always on the defensive, but occasionally I am unaware of my dangers and at these times I am mocked or made fun of. For me(LSC )means more obvious facial expression, not being shrewd, not sensing danger, being too honest, being too polite. In fact one person on this blog made fun of one of my poems on here, ‘let me think’ by saying “only children and fools tell the truth”. Wow what an inconsiderate thing to say, and how childish. In fact I am a fool, for I am aware of its meaning, and spiritually I raise my consciousness to accept that facing adversity is part of my journey, and that I must come to learn from it, not to be defeated by it.
My higher states of consciousness are apparent for others to see by my friends and the people who understand me. My IQ should be static, but it is not. I do not believe in the measure of IQ. I know that everybody has ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’. But with myself these shifts in consciousness are so rapid one would agree hopefully, it is more pathological than normal, more a part of my illness, than in the majority of society.
I am not looking for sympathy, rather I am just raising awareness about my illness, and allowing those who care to realise that the man, in the street who is on his own, and looks like he’s in a whole ‘world of his own’ could be your potential best friend, a lover, a teacher, a wonderful person, and not a ‘child’, or necessarily as some may think a negative version of a ‘fool’, which is in spiritual circles not a derogatory character whatsoever (see tarot). I for one am sometimes the ‘jester’ but for those who mock all the time, they become like ‘puppets on a string’..